Three Things to Forget When a Friend has a Mental Health Need

A few years ago, our family experienced a season that was unexpected and very painful. After a couple of bad decisions, our child “B” experienced an avalanche of unintended consequences that lasted nearly two years. God has worked good from all the things that happened in that time, because we love Him, but we walked through much darkness with wobbly knees, tear-streaked faces and fearful hearts. Just being real.

In that time, I reached out to an old friend for some specific help. “B” and the friend’s child “A” had previously been close, and I hoped that “A” could come alongside “B” for some much needed support. Instead, “A”’s parent refused.

When someone is going through a mental health or related crisis, people seek help where they believe they will find it. As the friend being contacted for help, here are three things you need to forget:

Forget Convenience   

It takes courage to invite someone into the yucky parts of your life. And crises don’t happen on a schedule. More than likely, the person asking for your help can’t control the timing.

Rick Warren said a crisis is when a friend should “show up and shut up.” People seeking help for a crisis usually just need a listening, empathetic ear, and the gift of your time.

Forget Grievances

When I met with A’s mother, she mentioned something that had transpired between our kids from several years earlier. Until that moment, I was unaware of – and I believe my child was unaware of – the issue A had with B.

At the time of this meeting, our kids had not been together for eighteen months, since our difficult season began. The last time A and B saw each other, B was grieving, hardly able to give anything as a friend, but B and A had had seen each other regularly the entire year preceding the crisis. The mother essentially used the several years’ old unspoken grievance and their most recent time together as a justification for A not helping B.

I’m not dismissing abusive behavior, and it’s important to tread carefully when helping someone who has treated you poorly in the past. But if you have a history of friendship, it’s not the time to bring up something dwarfed by the present need. And here’s an important question: are you completely innocent of thoughtless behavior in this relationship?

I later realized that A’s mother hadn’t reached out to learn how B was doing, since I arranged for our kids to be together eighteen months prior. Not once. I also remembered years earlier how our family had helped theirs by being on standby for a season of health issues with one of their children.

I don’t know all that transpired between our kids. But when an old friend asks for help, and it’s in your power to give, please really think before rejecting the request over something petty.

Forget Your Assumptions

It’s easy to assume you or your kids will NEVER do certain things. But let’s be honest: all humans are capable of any sin and depravity, because of our sin nature. And depression can strike anyone, whether as the result of genetics, a crisis or both.

God protects us from many snares, but it is a prosperity-oriented belief that says right behavior always equals good outcomes. In John 9:1-3, the Pharisees thought that sin had to be the reason why a man was born blind. Even if sin leads to a crisis, the kindness of God is what leads to repentance. And God often does His best work out of our worst times.

If you are the person asking for help, make sure your request is reasonable. But if your friend won’t help, it’s probably time to let that friendship go.

It’s natural to grieve your loss. But prioritize working through your crisis, and grieve the friendship later.

No one really knows what’s going on in another person’s life. Maybe my friend and her child had issues that I didn’t know about. I have to trust that God is directing their steps, and if He wills, “A” and “B” can reconnect in the future.

God fills in these relationship gaps, with new friends, happy seasons and good surprises. I encourage you to rest in knowing that even if someone didn’t respond well to your needs, or if you were the one with the wrong response, there will likely be an opportunity to help with someone else’s crisis. Just be ready to show up and shut up.